Rampage On Coffee Row: Ranting and Raven

Bonus Column

Welcome to “Rampage On Coffee Row”, a new column where ordinary folks share their thoughts on important Saskatchewan issues and stuff. This week’s question: What do you think of using sound cannons to chase ravens from Mosaic Stadium and the downtown?

“Boom, boom, boom! If this is ornithology, I like it.”
—Derek Ovechkin, Regina

“Again, this is why the City Of Regina needs a standing corvid and columbiform committee.”
—Helen Lam, Regina

“The only thing wrong here is using harmless sounds instead of bullets. I say put a bounty on the birds and give air rifles to panhandlers. Problem solved.”
—Gary Garner, Regina

“Is anyone surprised it’s come to this? Once upon a time we had publicly-funded programs to help disenfranchised ravens. Not anymore! Thanks to neoliberal ideology, heartless corporations and politicians obsessed with short-sighted “race to the bottom” tax cuts, our poor birds spend their days with nowhere to go and nothing to do. Nothing except poop on office towers and football stadiums, that is.”
—Janet McQuill, Regina

“Ravens are highly intelligent. Studies show they can use tools and delay gratification for future benefit. I don’t know how I feel about sound cannons but goalie interference is a shitshow this season and I bet ravens could do a better job calling it than NHL refs are.”
—Enid Langley, Nokomis

“Last night I fell asleep listening to the cannons and dreamed about three circus clowns with a garden hose. The clowns turned the tap on but water wouldn’t come out — the hose just got bigger and bigger. Then it turned into my dad.”
—Jerry Johnson, Virgo

“Back in Humboldt I shot gophers with real cannons and now I’ve just got thumbs.”
—Jack Arquebus, Moose Jaw

“Have you taken your concerns to the provincial government?”
—Michael Fougere, Regina

Want to join the conversation? E-mail topic ideas to feedback@prairiedogmag.com