Bonus Column | by the Mayor Of The Sea

Greetings! Or as our friends the whales say, “Eeeeeuuuuronnnnghk”. That means “Hello!” It also means “One day you five-fingered dryskins will be our slaves,” which seems awfully specific, but what can you do?

Now that civic elections in Saskatchewan are drawing near, people are wondering what my position as Mayor of the Sea is. Am I endorsing anyone? What am I prepared to do about issues like affordable housing and potholes? Hey, am I even on the ballot?

But I’d like to talk about an issue that affects every one of us: climate change. And how it’s going to be great.

“What’s that, Mayor? Isn’t climate change bad for the sea?” Ha ha, no. Because the melting of the polar ice caps is going to give us a whole lot more sea to work with. One day soon, the inland sea that covered a huge swath of Saskatchewan will return. And on that day, I will be your one true mayor, yours in brine and bleached-out coral, anointed by our whale overlords to administer your subjugation. It’s going to be a blast, people.

Admit it: don’t you think that our province would be cooler underwater? Imagine the tourism. And the kelp. So much kelp. Don’t you think it’s ridiculous that Saskatchewan is full of inland terminals? Let’s take those terminals and make them coastal again.

Here’s the best part. If you can’t wait for global warming to goose our ice caps into motion, there are all kinds of things you can do to get started. First off, consume as much fossil fuel as possible. Instead of circling the block for that perfect parking spot, circle the city. Secondly, burn your trash in your backyard and let that glorious smoke create that hothouse atmosphere we need. And lastly, run your hoses into the street and get a head start on your aquatic future.

Together, my fellow inferior humans, we can accomplish greatness.

Ordovicianally yours,
The Mayor of the Sea