Bonus Column

Elon Musk says that human settlement of Mars may happen in only 20 years. I say: why wait? Book your passage to Mars today!

With Trump in the White House, Brexiters in England, and a 20-degree heat wave cooking the Arctic, Mars is looking better every day. The atmosphere isn’t what you call “breathable”, but if you hold your breath before getting out of the transit capsule, you’ll have several minutes of living with the blissful knowledge that Earth and all its problems are 225 million kilometres away.

Besides, what do you think we have up here? Predatory telepathic Martian goats that beam confusing messages into your mind? What a laugh! But don’t laugh or even think too loudly, because the Martian goats will actually hear you, and they’re hungry. Still, though — better a flesh-eating Martian goat convincing you that your long-dead grandmother is calling you from the other side of that red stone outcropping than watching neo-Nazis methodically unmake a half-century of progress, pulling North America into a fascist vortex. The goat might peel the meat from your bones over a period of one to three hours, but it’s not going to ask you if Jews are people. Face it, that’s a better fate.

Don’t delay — book your trip to Mars today!