Just because you had a terrible year doesn’t mean you can move here

Bonus Column | by Xrrgl Hgloorp, Actual Martian

Dear Earthlings, we know what you’re thinking. Well, forget it. You’re not moving to Mars.

You’re not welcome here. Seriously, we don’t want you. Get lost.

Look, we understand why you’d want to move to Mars. From civil war in Syria to President Donald Trump (?!?!?!) to the too-soon deaths of David Bowie and Prince, you Earthlings went through a lot in the last year. You have our sympathy. A card is in the mail.

That said, if you walking germ-colonies even THINK about setting foot on our world, we will disintegrate every single man, woman, child and dog on Earth.

Don’t think we won’t.

You people are a disaster. Remember our 1897 Earth vacation? Wow, was that ever a bad idea. Despite repeated assurances from our travel agency, it turns out your civilization just isn’t set up for a proper Martian holiday. Who knew your cities were so fragile, not to mention flammable? Then there was the unfortunate misunderstanding over your delicious blood, which it turns out you need to live. If it helps, we’re still sorry for that.

Besides, it’s not like we had fun. Remember how we all got sick? You call it the common cold but here on Mars we’ve got another name for it: Earthbola. My cousin Grlllbyrk is still oozing from his bllang-hole. You are some gross, virulent monkeys.

The thing is, you wouldn’t even like Mars. First, you Earthlings are completely addicted to breathing which doesn’t work so well here. Also, Mars is pretty cold, and I don’t think a species of babies who whine at November breezes is ready for average temperatures of -55 Celsius.

So seriously, stay where you are. End your wars, fix your politics and stop destroying your climate and environment. That might sound impossible but I guarantee it’s easier than moving to Mars.

Also, we’ve got death rays. So don’t push your luck, ya stinkin’ germ-bags.