Sorry I Broke This Ancient Seal And Made Trump President, Everyone

Bonus Column | by Chad Yog-soggoth

I like to think of myself as a regular guy. I grab a beer with my pals on Fridays, watch hockey on Saturdays, and like most of you, I traffic in artifacts of unspeakable evil on Sundays.

I know what you’re going to say: Chad, you’re wasting your entire Sunday negotiating for the Blood Scapular of Azazel? Just do it in the morning and take your family to Arby’s afterwards!

I hear you, people. It would be easy to just dip my toes in the Accursed Font of Souls and call it a day, but I’ve got to get my whole body in there. That’s just the kind of artifact dealer I am! I take my eldritch reliquaries seriously. Plus you get free soft drink refills at Arby’s with every fifth soul imprisoned in the Font.

Which is why it’s so embarrassing to admit that I broke the Seal of Q’fl’za-agh and destroyed the spirits of 62,979,636 Americans, all of whom rose from their couches this past Election Day and voted for Donald Trump. Zombie-like and chanting “But what about the e-mails?”, they drove to the polls in their Escalades and Wranglers, and cast their vote for a sentient red-capped bullfrog made out of orange peels and papier-mâché by a talentless eight year-old child hoping to impress her dad.

And while we’re at it, I’m super sorry that I accidentally animated my daughter’s orange peel sculpture with the Staff of Nostradamus that one time. I didn’t think it would open up a bunch of lousy casinos, brag about grabbing women’s crotches and go on to rule America.

I’m also sorry about the time I took some rat droppings and a pile of hay and made Mike Pence. Who could have foreseen his rise to power?

That one’s on me, folks.

Chad Yog-soggoth is opening an Applebee’s.