What Just Happened?

News and Horrors from the last two weeks

News | by Stephen Whitworth

That was a couple of weeks. We had a Trump-fueled hate-massacre in Quebec, Trump protests all over the world and a Trump rampage from Trump headquarters in the Trump House. We also had disturbing news about the planet’s climate and another pipeline spill in Saskatchewan. Frankly is wasn’t great, so let’s start out with some news that isn’t totally shitty.

WOMEN WILL SAVE THE WORLD With the disappointing exception of middle-class, white Americans (the majority of whom voted for President Pussygrab), women do not like Donald Trump, and on Saturday, Jan. 20 they turned out in massive numbers worldwide to show it. The Women’s March featured half a million protestors in Washington alone, with millions more in the states and a global total estimated up to 4.8 million. The largest protest in American history was not without controversy — some activists lamented the fact protesters haven’t showed up in epic numbers when it’s minorities being targeted by malicious and regressive politicians. Still, a protest of this size the day after he took the oath of office sends the right message to the evil gourd sitting in the Oval Office.

CAN WE RACIALLY PROFILE YOUNG WHITE RIGHT-WING MALES? In Quebec, 27-year-old anti-feminist admirer of far-right French politician Marine Le Pen (ironic for a misogynist) and President Trump allegedly shot up a mosque, killing six men and wounding 19 others. The racist creep, who doesn’t need his shitty little name printed, surrendered to police, confessed to his rampage and will undoubtedly spend most if not all of the rest of his life in jail. Speaking of racists, the Western separatist Facebook page Republic of Western Canada had a day’s worth of racist posts about Muslims following the murder of six Muslims. Not sure how that ends up happening, but it’s more proof that die-hard Alberta-firsters are just not nice people.

ORANGE FECES REPORT Turning back to the United States, what do you want from me — a sober, dispassionate account of events in Donald Trump’s America? Pfft, no. That would be dishonest and misleading. The Big Orange Shitbag had an unprecedented first week acting like the goddamn king of America. President Trump ordered a racist and idiotic Muslim-targeting travel ban that disrupted legal travel across the globe and terrorized refugees, immigrants and foreign workers, and he did it without getting legal advice — in fact his administration is now defying a federal court order blocking the ban, because Trump and his minions think they’re above the damn law. Trump also confirmed his intentions to build a stupid border wall that will cost between $10 (his estimate) and $30 (a more realistic estimate) billion dollars and won’t work (see page 5). He also invoked dark spells to resurrect the Keystone XL pipeline, and he ordered construction to continue on Dakota Access, which is currently halted by the U.S. Army Corp of Engineers because Standing Rock activists have successfully made the case that the dumb thing’s unsafe. Oh, he also nominated an ultraconservative douchenozzle to the vacant Supreme Court seat that corrupt, democracy-hating Republican thugs blocked President Obama over the last year. Maybe worst of all, to me anyway, is this meat-juice-sweating giant grub ordered federal government scientists to stop talking to the public and the press. You know who else attacked scientists’ freedom of speech? The people-eating lizard-aliens from the TV miniseries, V. Also: Stephen Harper.

TO WRAP THIS UP Not everything is doom and gloom. McDonald’s and A&W both announced the launch of all-day breakfasts starting Feb. 21 and 27, respectively. Also, we got the title of the next Star Wars saga movie: The Last Jedi. All I can say is, after killing off Han Solo in The Force Awakens they better not mess up Luke Skywalker. Oh, and also the planet set yet another annual temperature record in 2016 because climate change is real and accelerating. Wheee!