Bonus Column

A lot of people worry about Brian Power nowadays. It’s only natural — we live on a 24-hour social media highway where time is money and money is business. Anyone hoping to keep up needs all the Brian Power they can get! But what can us ordinary schmucks do? How can WE compete?

Fortunately, the Institute for Brian Research and Advancement can help. For only $199.99 a month, you can subscribe to The Brian Report, featuring bleeding-edge “Science Facts” that will help you maximize your Brian Power!

You can get started right now with our free “Brian Basics!” Take a look, then judge for yourself if the Brian Report can help you:

BRIAN FOOD  What you eat has a HUGE impact on daily Brian functioning. Research shows Brians need healthy food like bananas, salmon, Brussels sprouts and unshelled peanuts. But better think twice before you have that extra slice— studies show pizza can lower Brian levels by as much as 67 per cent only 15 minutes after consumption!

BRIAN EXERCISE  It’s only common sense that a fit Brian is a healthy Brian — but there’s a right way and a wrong way to get your Brian in shape. DO: As little as two minutes of cardio a day will triple Brian efficiency! DON’T: High-impact activities like elk-punching and electrocution can wipe out Brian gains almost overnight.

BRIAN BALANCE  Life is hectic and if you push too hard you could break your Brian. That’s why it’s important to set aside time for relaxation! Thirty minutes a day in a tub, sauna, front yard or any other place you can get naked will promote harmony between your body and Brian.

Those are just three of the dozens of “Brian Hacks” you’ll find in The Brian Report. Don’t delay, send us your credit card today (literally—just pop that thing in the mail)! Your Brian will thank you for it.

Paid for by the Institute for Brian Research and Advancement. Side effects may include headaches, swelling and anal leakage.