Three bold 2019 predictions guaranteed to come true

Happy New Year | by Stephen Whitworth

Newspapers often mark the start of a fresh trip around the sun with speculation about the coming year. Unfortunately, most of ’em just recycle conventional, timid and boring predictions along the lines of “there’s going to be an election” or “business will get tax cuts” or “summer will be hot” or “sports!!!”. This isn’t a mistake Planet S is going to make. Here are a few of the things you can expect in 2019. It’s far from a complete list, but we promise, nay, guaran-frickin’-tee that everything below is 100 per cent gonna happen. Do you seriously think we’d risk our hard-earned credibility with a bunch of witless predictions pulled out of our butts? As if.

SASKATCHEWAN LAUNCHES UBI! The economy’s in the gutter, jobs paying living wages are scarce and the result is great suffering — along with a consumer spending crunch that’s hurting local businesses. That’s why in 2019, Saskatchewan Premier Scott Moe will replace welfare payments with a shockingly generous Universal Basic Income system that will wipe out poverty and boost Saskatchewan’s economy by putting dollars in the hands of people who will spend them locally.

Anyone who listened to Moe’s Christmas message heard our premier weep over the plight of ancient shepherds forced to work without overtime or benefits. It’s clear this man is a highly moral person of faith who (like all good Christians) despises poverty and will do anything to end it, no matter how radical his policies may seem to the rest of us.

Oh, and he’ll also raise the minimum wage to $18/hour just to prove he’s bolder, better leader than the NDP’s Ryan Meili, who seems willing to settle for a piddly $15 wage.

CLIMATE CHANGE DENIERS APOLOGIZE, PAY DAMAGES Some climate change deniers are honest but simple people who have their facts tragically wrong. Others are liars who hope their antics will make them a buck. A few just like picking Internet fights. One thing they collectively are NOT, however, is a sociopathic horde of nihilistic morons.

And that’s why in 2019, deniers will finally admit publically that heat records, destructive  weather events and devastation from floods and fires are directly linked to climate change — and that since they fought tooth and nail to sabotage any substantive climate change action for over three decades while the North Pole melted, this mess is their fault (well, them and a few fossil fuel companies).

In 2019, climate change deniers will collectively issue a sincere, strongly-worded apology and begin paying massive reparations for the incredible harm they’ve caused. They know they fucked up, and it’s the least than can do.

RACHEL NOTLEY AND JUSTIN TRUDEAU: RE-ELECTED IN LANDSLIDES Sure, it’s fun to pretend anything can happen in an election but the truth is, Alberta Premier Notley and Prime Minister Trudeau are locks to win big in 2019. Yes, both leaders can be fairly criticized for their failures and Trudeau in particular has been particularly disappointing on issues from the ongoing crises facing Canada’s indigenous people to the election reform he promised then cancelled to his bizarre pipeline socialism.

That said, Alberta and Canada are still just a few years free from entitled, malicious, dumb and greedy conservative governments that rejected science, backed policies that harmed minorities and immigrants, fought media attempts to make them accountable and offered comfort and tolerance to homophobes, racists and religious extremists. Canadians are good people. They’re not going to quickly forget just how shitty conservative politicians have been. I mean, could you even imagine the kind of ingrate who would prefer Jason Kenney, a corporate-uber-alles ideologue who’s one vowel away from having two first names, to the hard-working, brilliant and forward-thinking Rachel Notley, a leader who brought in fair pay for low-wage workers, was there for Fort McMurray after it was destroyed by fire and keeps a smile on her face every day despite the sheer hopelessness of being a political hostage trapped in a redneck petrocracy?

Like some guy in a movie said once: it’s inconceivable!