Television Man | Aidan Morgan
As midday arrived, Television Man was bored. Seeing in the living room a television, he switched it on to see if anything good was playing. As he flipped through channels, he found nothing but talk shows, because it was not ‘Must-See TV Thursdays’. Then he said unto the television, “May no one ever watch you again.” And verily he went and invented Netflix. —The Gospel of Television Man, 11:12-14
Greetings, word readers! You know what I haven’t done? Watched the third episode of season four of Succession (HBO/Crave). You know what I do when I haven’t watched an episode of a television show I enjoy? I avoid corners of the Internet where people trade spoilers back and forth like Pokemon cards or Tickle Me Elmo heads. Even so, it’s hard to avoid a spoiler when it’s juicy enough (or furry and googly-eyed enough, if we’re sticking with the Elmo head simile). Television events used to be water-cooler conversation; now they’re just the water.
AN UNQUALIFIED SUCCESS
There are some very big, very heavy, very spoilery spoilers for the latest episode of Succession lurking on the Internet, and to a more acceptable degree below.
Anyway, I haven’t seen this episode yet, but I already know what happens in it — not because someone on Twitter or Reddit spilled the beans, but because the Los Angeles Times posted an obituary for one of the characters. That’s right: the mainstream media jumped into the spoiler waters with a giant bucket of spoilchum. Thanks, “lamestream” media.
Wow, Television Man, you ask, slightly impressed despite yourself, you read the Los Angeles Times? Of course not. Somebody posted a screenshot of the story on Twitter and followed it up with a tweet berating people for caring about spoilers in the first place. I love the Internet.
2 YELLOW 2 JACKET
Hey! Season two of Yellowjackets (Showtime/Crave) is among us. It’s got what television viewers crave — murder, cannibalism, sex, angst, a whiff of horror. Like last season, the story splits between two timelines: an Alive-style tale of winter wilderness survival with a group of teenage girls set in the 1990s, and a Desperate Housewives-style story of unresolved mysteries among the survivors set in the present. Also like last season, the story of survival is more interesting and focused than the present-day events. It’s the kind of show that could run out of gas at any second, but it’s an enjoyable ride if you don’t mind getting stranded at some point.
Did you know that Netflix has a new drama series that’s actually good? Surely the Second Coming is at hand with a portent like that. It’s called Beef and it stars Steven Yuen (The Walking Dead) and Ali Wong (Always Be My Maybe). The way Beef distils the Red Bull of anxiety and rage spiking the boba tea of America’s id is really something.
Disney has unreeled a new set of teasers and trailers for its upcoming Star Wars shows, which is something that people are still putting up with. I know I am, because I’m a Star Wars fan, and Star Wars fans are happily held hostage to cycles of hype and disappointment. We see a trailer or hear a scrap of news, lose our collective minds, then complain when the product inevitably collapses into camp or simply wanders off like a bored cat.
Next up in the hype cycle: Ahsoka (Disney +), focusing on the beloved character of Ahsoka Tano, who first appeared in the animated The Clone Wars and Rebels. She popped up in live action form in The Mandalorian and The Book of Boba Fett, played by Rosario Dawson. Now she’s getting her own series, which more or less follows up on the Rebels cartoon and comes with a whole new batch of animation-to-live action characters. Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Natasha Liu Bordizzo, Lars Mikkelsen and Ray Stevenson co-star.
I watched the teaser trailer over the weekend, and let me tell you, I lost my freaking mind. I can’t wait to be vaguely disappointed this August. ■