Television Man | Aidan Morgan
“Television Man. Years ago you served my father in the Network Wars. Now he begs you to help him in his struggle against streaming services. I regret that I am unable to present my father’s request to you in person, but my pilot episode was reworked and I’m afraid my mission to land a season order has failed. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Television Man. You’re my only hope.” —A.I.-generated space princess dialogue
Great news, Star Wars fans! After years of waiting and months of hype, Ahsoka (Disney+), starring Rosario Dawson as the titular maybe-Jedi, has finally launched! The first two episodes aired Aug. 22. The remaining six will air weekly on Tuesday evenings.
AHSOKA? WHOSOKA?
What? Who’s Ahsoka? Who is Ahsoka? I can’t believe you haven’t heard of her! Didn’t you say you were a Star Wars fan? Ahsoka Tano is one of the greatest Star Wars characters ever. She was the young Padawan — that’s a Jedi apprentice — of everyone’s favourite school shooter, Anakin Skywalker.
What’s that? No, she wasn’t in the prequel trilogy. Or the original one. Or the sequels. Yes, I know it’s weird that she worked with Anakin and Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi for years but they never mention her in the movies. See, she left the Jedi order after she was framed for — you know what, it’s a long story.
Oh hey, she fought and defeated Darth Maul at the Siege of Mandalore! Ring any bells?
Please come back. I promise you she’s awesome. Did you see that one episode of The Mandalorian where she pops up and fights a corrupt magistrate? You think Ahsoka just wants to free the town from tyranny but then she says “Where is Grand Admiral Thrawn” like it’s super important and you were like who the hell is that and it goes completely unanswered?
Oh, you’d love Grand Admiral Thrawn. He’s the best villain in the Star Wars universe, aside from Vader. No, he wasn’t in any of the movies. He appeared in some of the novels? And I think his name gets mentioned in passing in season three of The Mandalorian? No, I don’t remember anything from that season, either.
How do you not remember Ahsoka? You must have seen The Clone Wars animated series. Plus she pops up in Star Wars: Rebels from time to time. That’s the other big animated series. It has a ton of Thrawn content as well.
No? Some Star Wars fan you’re turning out to be. Trust me, you need to start watching the Ahsoka series. There’s Sabine Wren, the disaffected Mandalorian turned disaffected Padawan, and ace pilot turned-general Hera Syndulla. They’re trying to find Thrawn before he comes back and starts a war. Sabine also wants to find her friend Ezra Bridger.
Yeah, they got abducted by space whales. It was amazing.
IMPERIAL TALKERS
You don’t really need to know all this going in. Ahsoka series creator Dave Filoni does a solid job of introducing everyone and giving you just enough exposition to get you oriented. He’s so concerned about onboarding new viewers that he has everyone speak… really… slowly…, with lots of inexplicable pauses thrown in.
What? No, it’s not fun to watch people bridge information-bearing sentences with extended eye contact. Now that I think of it, the first two episodes are short on fun. But they’re long on trauma! Everyone’s haunted by events that don’t appear in Clone Wars or Rebels. There’s brand new trauma for everyone! Star Wars fans love awkward pauses and broken relationships between beloved characters.
At least see it for Chopper. He’s a homicidal droid who can barely restrain himself from killing everyone on screen.
No, he’s one of the good guys. You’ll love him.